Footsteps in Peanut Butter
by snowprincess
Summary: Change is slow to come for Lorelai and Luke. Recent events for Lorelai to reevaluate their relationship, leading her on a journey all her own. Meanwhile Luke is left to hold it together as he searches for what it means to be a family.
1. Chapter 1

**Footsteps in Peanut Butter By: Snowprincess**

She wasn't exactly sure how she had gotten to this point. A tumble of emotions and pain filtered through the days until all at once at her desk in the Dragonfly Inn she found herself unable to handle the things that life had thrown her recently. It was a feeling not unlike what she had experienced during the final days of reconstruction when she was barely holding it together, only then someone had been able to step in and lend that helping hand. Breathing became harder and for a few moments she actually wondered if she was going through what her father had gone through so many Christmases ago. The brief thought of giving up red meat came and went faster than she had time to process it.

Without thought or reguard as to her responsibilities Lorelai found herself getting back into her jeep and driving home. She numbly unpacked her travel luggage from the hall closet and brought it up to her room, pausing for a moment to bid Paul Anka a "hello" from his hiding spot behind the couch. Light layers; good advice. No dresses or heels, just comfortable jeans and slightly dressier pants, mixed in with every rock and roll t-shirt and fashionable workout top she could find.

It was strange how she wanted to cry but couldn't find the tears. But she wouldn't foreget her Highway to Hell this time.

The bags were dropped by the door as she turned to take one last look at the house that she had lived in. It had seen the changes taking place in the lives of the occupants and would miraculously keep standing once she was gone. The weight of what she was about to do settled on her and suddenly her shoulders felt harder to hold up.

Lorelai went to the desk and sat down for a few moments before pulling out some of the stationary that Rory had left the last time she had visited. At the thought of her daughter she reminded herself to turn off her cell phone; as much as she loved her child, this pain she knew she must bear alone. Maybe in time she could open up again, but until then it was better that Rory not know where she was going, or that information would surely pass to Emily as well, and that was another realm of heartache that she dare not delve into. For now one letter would be enough.

_Dear Luke,_

_These past few weeks have been some of the most difficult that I could have ever imagined. I thought that us being engaged could be the good thing that offset some of the bad things that just seem to target us once we think things are looking up. I wanted to look on that fact that you have a daughter as an unexpected but possibly great thing, a headstart (plus Rory) on the family that we talked about the night we got engaged. I understood you hesitance to tell me at first even if I was hurt that you were not the one to actually tell me that you fathered a child, or by the fact that most of the town seemed to know who she was before I did. I'm not sure if either one of us could have seen this coming._

_A part of me is screaming inside my head to just forget what I'm doing now and rush to the diner to tell you how hurt and neglected I've felt these weeks. Not only have you separated me from what should be a joint life, but you then feel the need to try and cover it up by trying to do things that you think will make me feel better (I know that you and Logan have completely different jewlery tastes-- it's not the first time he's boughten something for her). The other side of me is just wallowing in the pain you have caused, hoping that you will come home right now to fix it and at the same time so scared that the feeling at all will go away._

_I don't know if I'm exactly mad at you or just dissapointed that you don't feel the need to share this part of your life with me. I certainly feel it's hypocritical considering that I have included you in every contact that I've had with Christopher since he showed up again, all because it's necessary to be that honest with you. And yet you don't feel that you owe me the same thing in return?_

_I never wanted to postpone the wedding. I only offered it out of courtesy but I didn't think that you would accept. Of course you know all this now but it still hurts I guess. And I don't agree with the lobster dinner-- too much of a chance of a food allergen coming out at a bad time._

_Luke, trust me when I say that both of us have a long way to go before we're even close to being ready to fully commit to one another. I need to be able to trust that you aren't going to keep secrets from me and you need to be able to include me in every part of your life. Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever get to that point, but I don't want to worry about what's going to happen next anymore. I can't marry you if things don't get any better and you don't feel the need to work to improve anything._

_Please know that I will always love you and that you're my penguin. And take care of yourself while I'm gone. Take time with April and make sure that everything you want is what you have. Tell Sookie and Michel that they're in charge of the inn for awhile, and try not to kill each other in the process. I'm not going to be in contact with Rory, so checking in now and then would be appreciative, and let her know that I'm alright okay? Last but not least don't forget about Paul Anka. I would take him with me but he's scared of car rides (although he has no problem getting in the car)._

_I hope to see you soon, but I have some searching of my own to be done._

_All my love, _

_Lorelai Victoria Gilmore_

By the time she was over she realized that she was crying. The tears kept falling as she took off her engagement ring and placed it on top of the letter, not even bothering to lock up as she took her things and headed out to the jeep, not even looking back as she drove out of town.


	2. Chapter 2

It certainly wasn't her first road trip. She and Rory used to take regular trips back when gas was pretty much the only luxury they could afford. Some of Lorelai's best music was played in the same jeep she was in now as she sought to make sure her offspring didn't become a country loving maniac. Musical talent aside, that was one thing she was sure she couldn't live with. The only difference now and then was that at night when pride kept her from B and B's, she could sleep in her jeep without a voice telling her over and over that she would die from exposure.

The trips also held an elusive feeling about them. It those minutes hours or days when she was behind the wheel, she was truly free. All she had to do was pick a direction and go in it as long as there was a road to go on, and sometimes she didn't even need that. Lorelai wasn't even sure of where she went after she got onto the highway, or where she was going once she took a random exit. She was just sure that she would know when she got there and figure the rest out when it came.

A few days later she found herself nearing a suburb of Philedelphia and decided to stop for a couple of days. It wasn't an enormous town by any means, but it was certainly bigger than Stars Hollow. Along the way she had stopped at a few inns and small towns, just walking the streets with a cup of coffee (always something that wouldn't remind her of the diner) and being a bystander to the rest of the world. She knew that if anyone bothered to look they could find her by the credit card transactions along her trip that provided her with food and sometimes shelter, but in the end she didn't care if people knew where she went, just as long as they didn't try to contact her while she was there.

Finally Lorelai cracked at the sight of a bookstore. She had resisted contacting Rory most of all because she was sure that she would be the most adament about getting the elder Gilmore back home, and being in the presence of something that her daughter cherished would help her feel connected to her, if only for a little while. It certainly wasn't an Andrew's bookstore, where a customer could go in and have the owner know where every item was almost without being asked. Rather it was part of a chain of stores, housing many volumes of many novels, and yet not rivaing some of the great libraries she had entered during school. Lorelai decided to go in and browse, maybe find something for herself and something for Rory when she got back. Her daughter always was a sucker for fully priced literature.

On the way inside she browsed the newest additions to the discount piles by the entrance and frowned at how most of them involved the word cooking; it was certainly a talent that she had no use for. Bright carpeting gave its own yellow bricked road feeling as she followed the path to the displays of new releases and editor's picks. Lorelai wasn't surprised at all when she saw The Subsect as one of the top reccomendations by readers. Despite all of the bad things that happened between her and Jess, Rory had been right when she had proclaimed that it was a damn good book, insisting that Lorelai have her own copy to read and eventually mock just because she knew the author.

Lorelai continued to browse for the next couple of hours, searching for something and nothing. Despite her plans, Rory was a hard person to shop for because it was hard to know what book in existance that she hadn't read (besides the sci fi section). She almost picked up something to do with the realm of fantasy as a joke but knew that in the end it would be mocked but not read, simply because Rory was a lover of classic and contemporary literature, and she had never felt the need to delve into a reality besides her own. Besides, the sheer number of Star Wars books overwhealmed her, causing her to stumble into an equally imposing Harry Potter display.

Lorelai skipped the science and arts literature section altogether when she saw a girl that reminded her of April enter it. Just the reminder of her Stars Hollow life was not something she was ready to deal with yet. Eyes lowered and pace brisk she wasn't paying attention to the floor ahead of her until she bumped into the obstacle, nearly sending her on her behind. Masculine hands stretching from a leather jacket steadied her until she looked up and felt like losing her balance again. "Well I'll be damned," she thought.

"Hi," the young man said awkwardly.

"Hello Jess."

He beat her to the punch with a quippy remark, something they both seemed to do when even slightly uncomfortable. "Where's the fire miss?"

"Oh you know I've just found that whole science and arts thing a little too overrated."

"I see," he replied. Jess pointed behind her, "Well for your convenience the fire exist is back that way. Be sure to walk and make sure you have all of your valuables, and for the love of Pete, don't be the one to start the stampede."

Lorelai half-laughed before scrunching up her face, "This is-"

"Strange I get you there." Jess shoved his hands in his pocket and opened his mouth. He then closed it as if he wasn't sure what to say next.

It didn't take a genius to figure it out, "You know don't you?"

"Yeah. . . I talk to Luke every couple of weeks on the phone and Rory called me yesterday."

"I hope Rory's doing okay. Next time she calls tell her I said hi will you?"

Jess seemed very surprised, "You're not talking to her?"

Lorelai sighed, "I just need some time before I get hit with all the questions."

Silence seemed to permeate the air until Jess cleared his throat. "Do you want to get some coffee? Maybe talk?"

"Jess. . "

"It doesn't have to be about that; it could be about anything that you want. At least let me have something to tell Rory when I talk to her other than I spotted you staking out a bookstore."

* * *

The place in itself had its own cafe in a corner overlooking the street. They both ordered coffees and sat down at a table by the windows. For a few minutes they both just sipped their cooling liquids and stared at their hands. Finally Lorelai spoke up, "So you wrote a book."

"I did."

"I liked it."

"Well it's not exactly the next great novel. I'm shocked you know about it or even read it."

Lorelai shrugged, "Well it came highly recommended. You should be proud, and I know Liz would be."

Jess laughed deeply, "She bought a copy for herself, TJ, and his entire family."

"TJ can read?"

"Trust me I was just as shocked as you," Jess remarked before taking another sip of his coffee. He looked up beneath his dark waves to see Lorelai gazing into the distance of the shopping center. "He misses you." He watched as she closed her eyes and took a heavy breath. "He won't say it, but when he told me that you had left. . . It wasn't good."

"Did he tell you why I left?"

"You know Luke; he'll tell you all the basic information but won't give any details until you pry them out with a crowbar. He said they were complicated reasons and left it at that. I'm assuming that it has something to do with April right?"

"I don't blame April. I can't. It's not like she picked who her parents were going to be. I just can't make that commitment to Luke as long as he can't trust me with what's going on in his life. He doesn't speak so I can't listen and it just ends up a downward spiral that I needed to be away from. I mean what do you think Jess? This girl is your half-cousin and do you know anything about her?"

Jess begrudgingly had to concede the point, "I know the things that Luke has told me but I haven't actually met her. I hear that she is quite the prodigy."

"But Luke has told you about her right?"

"Well he didn't exactly do that either. I brought it up with him and kind of forced the details out of him."

Lorelai frowned in confusion, "Who did you talk to that knew?"

The young man sighed, knowing that the news would not be easy to hear, "Luke told Liz and she told me. He wanted to say something to you I know that, but he just couldn't figure out the time or place. I know that he didn't want to add more news on your shoulders after you and Rory started talking again."

She leaned back in her chair and deflated even farther. "Unbelievable," she muttered.

"He was going to tell you soon."

Unshed tears came to her blue eyes, "Well he never did. I found out after practically everyone else in the town, and not from him. April told me herself in an inadvertant way, and Luke walked in at the moment when everything came crashing down. He didn't even try to explain really, he just apologized and promised to talk later, and that was weeks ago."

Jess sat back and inwardly groaned. "Man Luke really did mess this one up," he thought to himself.

* * *

I would like to write more but sadly I have school in the morning and I feel like I've been run over by an SUV. Thanks to all who reviewed the first chapter and I'm hoping for more reviews this time :)

Snow


	3. Chapter 3

He just didn't know how big he had messed up. Luke sighed and continued to wipe the counter, thankful for the lull in business between breakfast and lunch. Unlike the first time he and Lorelai had split, Lane and Ceasar had no wish to see the diner become a relic of its former glory, so they had promptly taken control of everything, giving Luke one and only task: to fill coffees and clean.

No one had purchased coffee in three days.

He hated the way the town felt now. Everyone knew; everyone knew more than he did. All of them stared with a mixture of pity and annoyance when he walked down the street. It hadn't been a big problem to figure out when the question came up as to why the two had broken up. Luke didn't know how to handle the sudden extra attention and did the thing that could always be predicted and avoided. Zach hadn't called his eyes the Fires of Mordor for nothing.

April was coming tonight and he suddenly didn't know how to talk to her. She came by a couple of days ago, and he had been able to convince her that he was just having a bad day then. He didn't think she's buy it a second time. Part of him wanted to just tell her everything about his life that she should know, and the other half said that he didn't want to burden her with it. She wasn't obligated to know Lorelai, and she shouldn't be forced to have a relationship just because they were supposed to get married.

Part of him wondered why Lorelai had never at least met his daughter.

He knew that he didn't want to make Anna feel bad about another woman knowing her daughter, especially since her daughter was just getting to know her father.

He wasn't sure what to think anymore.

The letter had taken him by surprise. At first he didn't know what to do; he just wanted her to say something to him. Luke had called everyone who might know with the exception of her parents, but not even Rory could be found with an answer. Finally he had to take Sookie's advice and be patient with the hope that she would be back soon.

He talked to Jess yesterday. Rory had decided that Luke needed some family support as he waited for what was to come. His nephew had made him give details as to what happened and the letter, not shutting up until he had the information. And although he would never admit it, Jess' call did serve to calm him down since he had someone to rant to about everything that had suddenly gone topsy-turvey in his life.

Jess asked him why he hadn't met April yet. Now he was even more confused.

Still, some things remained the same. Taylor was always Taylor, and picking fights with him would forever be both a sport and an occupational hazard. It seemed like everyday, usually multiple times, they argued about the lease agreement, or why Luke didn't decorate for the coming Easter, or Taylor's latest plan to move the soda shoppe in with the diner as a joint establishment (after the necessary reconstruction channels were followed of course.) Despite Luke's mood he never lost his ability to tell Taylor no empahtically.

In retaliation the town managed to sport an entire army of pink ribbons overnight. Luke stopped talking altogether; it was just easier. But he wasn't exactly sure how much more he would be able to take.

* * *

Hey everyone! Sorry it's taken so long to post and that it's so short. I just haven't had the time that I used to, prom and senior trip these next two weeks, and all the pre-graduation stuff going on. Anyways I hope to post another chapter sometime soon.

Snow


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